My Soul Thirsts For You

Over the past couple of days, there has been an ongoing battle within me. I felt this emptiness and unsatisfied longing in my heart. I am not sure when this feeing started, but before I knew it my heart felt hardened and I became restless. It hit me so fast that I didn’t know what to do. I felt weak, inadequate, and helpless. I had a longing to call out for help, but I just didn’t understand what I would say even if I were to talk to someone. When I look back, I remembered being happy with how everything was, so I couldn’t understand how it all happened.

 

Man, but God really convicted my while I was writing this tumblr post. As I was trying to sort out my feelings and understand what led me to this point, I got a notification that Allison like my facebook status about Tetris that went…

 

“Sometimes life is like Tetris, you get a little too arrogant and stack the pieces a bit too high and right when you’re about to own, you get KO’ed. lol”

 

At the time I just wrote it because that’s what actually happened and I wanted to sound all smart and philosophical about it (I know, I’m lame), but then it all clicked. That status was more relevant to me than I had ever thought possible. For some strange reason, I played Tetris for the first time since early November today. I won the first 3 games I played and it felt real good. So the fourth game, I got arrogant and started to stack the pieces even more and more, but then I got KO’ed. “It’s okay” I thought to myself, I’m just going to win this next one. But then I lost again… and again… and again, so I quit. Looking back now, my Tetris games truly reflected the condition of my heart. Little by little I have been stacking more and more of my worth in all these idols without even realizing that I was setting myself up to knocked out (or in this case knocked down). In my arrogance, I had grown content with myself, in my relationship with others, and how things were and in response started to depend less and less on God. At first, all of these things made me happy and satisfied me… but then without warning, came crashing down. And that’s the way sin works. It deceives you into thinking that all these false gods can satisfy the needs that can only be fulfilled by God, our Savior. The things that I have placed my worth in started to dictate everything about me. When tehy were good, I was happy, when they weren’t, I was upset. How could I have so easily given up the consistent and everlasting love of the Father without realizing it?

 

“Hear my prayer, O Lord: give ear to my pleas for mercy! In your faithfulness answer me, in your righteousness! Enter not into judgment with your servant, for no one living is righteous before you.

 

For the enemy has pursued my soul: he has crushed my life to the ground; he has made me sit in darkness like those long dead. Therefore my spirit faints within me; my heart within me is appalled.

 

I remember the days of old; I meditate on all that you have done; I ponder the work of your hands. I stretch out my hands to you: my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.”

 

-Psalms 143:1-6

Even in all of my unrighteousness, all of my shortcomings, all of my inadequacies, God redeems and restores. He is always faithful, His grace is abundant and He never ceases to work within us (Lamentations 3:22-23). I started to write this post with the intention of sharing my confused and unexplainable emotions, but God really convicted me while I was writing this! I came across Psalm 143 as I reflected on the condition of my heart. This is David’s last penitential Psalm he wrote and it really spoke to me. He cries out to God longing for revival since he understands his own unrighteousness and realizes that if he is to be delivered for righteousness’ sake, it will be because of God’s righteousness, not his own. This too is the cry of my heart and my prayer to God as He is working in me.

 

“When we disobey, the gospel brings comfort by reminding us that God’s approval doesn’t depend on our obedience, but Christ’s obedience for us”

- Tullian Tchividjian

 

But through all of this, I am constantly reminded of the saving grace that the Gospel holds for us. Knowing that through the cross I can find rest, comfort, and redemption. Knowing that even in all of my weakness and shortcomings, God looks upon Christ and clothes me in His righteousness.

 

I know I’m weak, I know I’m unworthy to call upon Your name

but because of grace, because of Your mercy I stand here unashamed

(Unashamed – Starfield)

 

 

 

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